Sometimes the days are not just long…

Sometimes the days are not just long, but each minute seems impossibly multiplied and your 7:30 bedtime looms in the seemingly infinitesimal distance. I shake my head in frustration as you pull the last cutting board out of the cupboard onto the dirty kitchen floor and feel as though I’ll never again make dinner in peace. My arms ache as I hold you after you have been reaching your chubby little limbs up at me all day shrieking, “Up! Up!” with the same desperation of someone hoping to be lifted from impending doom. I cry to my own mom about how hard this motherhood thing is and how sad I am that I’m often just wishing for the day to be over. My back aches as I lay outside your open bedroom door never fully falling asleep because every loud cough and wheeze sends a spike of adrenaline through my body. The poopy diapers too numerous to count, the lack of personal freedom, and the countless trips to the doctor/urgent care/ER…have taken its toll on my heart, body, mind, and soul.

But…then there are nights like last night where the minutes and hours pass by too quickly. I am hypnotized by your belly laughs, kisses, and games of racing cars, playing tag and tug-of-war. I am able to stop and soak in the moment with you while silently praying–Wow, thank you Jesus, for letting me be the momma to this boy. I tell myself to remember this day and store up every detail in my heart to hold onto during the next tantrum/illness/clingy day because you, my son, are worth it.

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I’m still learning that motherhood is full of more highs and lows and triumphs and failures than anything else I’ve ever experienced. But it is SO worth it. It is a privilege to be molding and shaping a little boy who will someday be a man with his own family. I pray God gives us all the strength to have grace for ourselves on the days we are too impatient and yell too much, but also an unquenchable desire to keep trying to be the best parents we can be on this sacred journey.

Motherhood’s Greatest Surprise

Motherhood has brought me lots of weird surprises so far.  I really had no idea how little sleep you get during the early months (which feel like epochs) or that breastfeeding can be so painful.  On top of that, baby acne, cradle cap, and dried up umbilical cords can be quite alarming. But the greatest surprise of motherhood for me so far has been love.  I knew I would love my child madly and deeply, but I had no idea that he could give me so much love in return.

Perhaps it’s my own insecurities, but I have often found myself wondering in close relationships whether s/he really loves me and if so why?  That translates to my relationship with God too. I remember at summer camp one night in middle school my counselor was elaborating on how much God loves each of us and that idea started to sink in, like really started to sink into the crevices of my soul, for the very first time.  I looked at our counselor nearly incredulously and said, “He does? He really loves me??? Why?!”  It was a very shocking, but glorious revelation.

{The weird thing about blogging is that I’m having a one-sided conversation with, well I don’t know who, so while writing these words I wonder if I’m the only one who feels like this. Is it a pretty universal human experience to doubt how much close friends and family love you, yet alone how much God might love you?  I have a hunch I’m not alone in this.}

Bearing these questions and insecurities about love in mind, it has been shocking to me that this little human that was formed inside of me for 9 very long months is now a present force of love in my everyday life.  One of the sweetest experiences as Everson’s momma is how excited he gets to see me.  When I get him from his crib after a nap, his face lights up with the biggest grin like we haven’t seen each other in months.  That is, unless he woke up grumpy and crying which often happens too, but that’s what I expected.  I knew to expect crying, fussing, and poopy diapers, but no one ever warned me that my heart would nearly burst inside my chest a million times a day when I looked at my precious and wild little man.  When he’s crawling around our house at the speed of light, but suddenly notices me across the room he again lights up with so much joy.  It honestly reminds me of a groom’s face when they first see their bride walk down the aisle.  And this is after not being together for just a few minutes.  Mind blowing.  Breath taking.  Earth shattering.  That’s what this love from him is.  I mean, who on earth gets that excited to see someone after just a few minutes?  Babies with their mommas, that’s who.

 And although I knew I would love Everson madly and deeply I didn’t know that simply rocking him in my arms singing our nightly lullaby before bed would so often bring tears to my eyes.  I get choked up as I hold this precious, dense, silly, handsome bundle of heat close to my chest as he sucks his thumb and rests his head on my shoulder, finally still after a day of near constant motion.  I tell myself to soak this in and never forget this moment.  Because all too soon we’ll have real acne problems on our hands and holding a giant Theobald boy will be completely out of the question.

The luxury of HOME.

I sing Christmas carols all year long. For real.  If you don’t believe me…just ask my husband or ask Everson who has been subjected to Christmas songs since his birth in February (although his limited language skills might make responding difficult).  I love December because it’s the time of year everyone is finally singing Christmas songs along with me!  You can’t avoid hearing them on the radio and at department stores.  One song you are sure to hear throughout this month is the old classic, “Home for the Holidays.” The cheery chorus of this song goes like this:

Oh, there’s no place like home for the holidays,
For no matter how far away you roam –
When you long for the sunshine of a friendly gaze,
For the holidays – you can’t beat home, sweet home!

When you hear the word “home” what memories or emotions does the word evoke?  For many of us, we think of not only a specific place where we spent our childhood, but we also think of comfort, warmth, and happy memories.  Of course, every family has their share of conflict and goes through difficult seasons, but most of us are fortunate enough to carry in our pocket a flood of happy memories.  For me, the holidays always remind me of fun family traditions like hanging Christmas tree ornaments, eating homemade caramel corn, and eating my Grandma’s tourtiere before Christmas Eve mass.  When I think of “home” I also recall card games, a big sledding hill, Sunday soccer games, and roast turkey feasts.  Home has been a constant in my life, a guaranteed place of stability that I have never had to question.

Through my experiences at Street’s Hope, the non-profit where I recently started volunteering, I am learning that I should never take home for granted.  For those unfamiliar with Street’s Hope, their mission is to “provide holistic restorative services to women escaping sex trafficking and the commercial sex industry and to nurture the resilience needed to heal, transform and thrive.” Street’s Hope is a faith-based nonprofit, so they also offer spiritual support to the women if they so desire.

I recently had the privilege of attending one of Street’s Hope’s client celebration events.  We were able to celebrate the victorious achievement of a woman who has completed the one-year residential program, while also celebrating the other residents’ progress.  We honored their efforts to find healthy, safe employment, their hard work in trauma therapy, and their sobriety milestones.  We were able to speak affirmation into the lives of each of these women and they were also able to share encouraging words with each other.

One of the residents, a middle-aged woman, was honored for 100 days of sobriety and many shared their admiration for all the hard work she has already undergone on her road to recovery.  I do not know the details of this woman’s story, but I know enough to say her life has been a nightmarish existence marked by unconscionable abuse and exploitation.  After we celebrated this woman’s achievements, she told us she wanted to share something.  She then proceeded to say that the night she first came to Street’s Hope and knocked on the door our overnight staff welcomed her in with a warm smile and she new for the first time that she was home.  She said—I’ve never had a home before. Street’s Hope is the first place I’ve ever truly felt at home.

Can you imagine living a life without having a place to call home?  Can you imagine not having a place to go to for the holidays or simply to rest and reconnect with those you love?  Can you imagine a childhood where you never once had a home where you felt loved and safe? If you are as fortunate as I am, you really can’t fully imagine that and you hardly even want to try.  It’s nice living in a bubble of safety, security, predictability and comfort.  But working at Street’s Hope has forced me more than ever before to look outside of my privileged bubble to see the darkness and devastation around me.

Before working at Street’s Hope, I was aware of sex trafficking. I heard speakers talk about trafficking in college, I had read articles on the topic, and I had researched and written about sex trafficking for a criminology class.  I had heard the (estimated) numbers…

2.5 million people are being trafficked at any time

1.2 million children are trafficked each year

Global trafficking brings in $31.6 billion in profits each year

These statistics are horrifying, yet there is something about actually knowing one of these victims—learning their name, looking into their eyes, hearing their voice—that makes all these numbers penetrate so much deeper.  There is also so much beauty in seeing victims who have had so much healing and life transformation.  Hearing their stories about coming to Christ and experiencing His love and redemption makes my love and faith in Jesus that much stronger.  So yes, there is darkness, but there is also so much hope and healing.

I now know that I not only want to do something to fight trafficking, but I have to do something.  I think we all need to be abolitionists whether that means committing to pray for modern slavery to end, volunteering our time at an organization that serves these victims, donating money, or helping raise awareness.  My prayer is that we all do something.

“If to be feeling alive to the sufferings of my fellow-creatures is to be a fanatic, I am one of the most incurable fanatics ever permitted to be at large.” – William Wilberforce

To Everson’s Daddy

Happy Father’s Day, Nick!  Everson is the luckiest boy in the world to have you as his Daddy.  And I am SO grateful to have you as my parenting sidekick.  There is no one else I would have rather had making me PB & J toast when I was so sick during the pregnancy and could barely keep any food down.  There is no one else I would have rather had next to me during those painful contractions that helped bring our son into this world, and no other voice I would’ve rather heard telling me how strong I was.  There is no one else I would have rather gone through the first few nights home from the hospital when Everson cried his head off as we had to wean him off the donor breast milk.  Thank goodness you stayed calm amidst both his and my tears!  There is no one else I would have wanted to drive with during the middle of the night when driving was the only thing that put Everson to sleep. (I’m still mad that McDonald’s turns off their shake machine after 2am. That was so not cool).  There is no else I would have wanted by my side as we took Everson on his first ride in the stroller or when we first saw him roll over.

I sometimes say you are the “man of my dreams,” but that’s not an accurate statement. You are too good.  I never could have dreamt you up.  How many husbands would get up with their wives throughout the night, every night for the first month of their baby’s life? Nursing was so hard at first, but you were so supportive sitting next to me ready to refill my water bottle, grab a burp cloth, or change Everson’s diaper.  You did ALL that, then still went to work each day.  That alone should grant you some kind of award.

Your love for Everson is so evident. The way you want to hold him and play with him every second from the time you get home from work until he goes to bed.  The fact that his first sneeze in the hospital was so precious that it made you tear up.  The way you pray for him to not only know God, but your hope for him to have a deeply intimate friendship with Jesus.  I love watching him make you smile so big when he’s smiling back at you and how his “judgmental looks” make you laugh so hard.  Hearing you sing Of Monsters and Men songs to him instead of normal lullabies is so very cute and so very you. And the way you strive to be the best dad and husband you could ever be means so much to me.

Everson does not yet know just how blessed he is to be your son, but someday he’ll realize he hit the jack pot when he got you for a Dad.

Happy Father’s Day to you, my Love.  You are the best husband for me and dad for our baby boy that I could ever imagine.

The Rescuer

Everson’s Uncle Dan and Aunt Kristin bought him The Jesus Storybook Bible when I was pregnant. It was before we even knew “Baby Theo” was a boy! This book is a treasure to us and we try to read a story from it each night to E before bed. We are going through it cover to cover and are already on our 2nd time through.

What I love about this book is that every story points to the Gospel, to the fact that Jesus was crucified on our behalf because He loves us with a “never stopping, never giving up, unbreaking, always and forever love.” We are broken and make mistakes every day (at least I know I do) but Jesus came as our Rescuer and offers us hope and a new life with Him.

Romans 5:8 “But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners.” (New Living Translation)

It’s easy for me to look at Everson and to know without a shadow of a doubt that God is crazy in love with him.  Simply looking at Everson and holding him is an act of worship for me as I am constantly amazed by the beautiful masterpiece that he is.  I am overwhelmed by the fact that God knit this precious boy together inside my womb and now he is here in this big world making it more beautiful each day he is alive.  So, yes, it is very easy for me to tell my son that God loves him. He loves him with a never stopping, never giving up, unbreaking, always and forever love.

But…does God love me like that, too?  I don’t know about you, but I don’t look at myself and think I am some amazing “masterpiece” that God knit together.  And I’m very aware of all of my flaws and shortcomings, which makes it that much more difficult to believe in God’s immense love for me.  I think many of us have bought into a lie that we need to be better if we are to actually be worth loving.  Yet my son’s little children’s Bible breathes a different story into my ears. These stories remind me that God loves me no matter what I’ve done or who I am.  They remind me that Jesus is my Rescuer.  That He gave up everything to come to earth and to die as a sacrifice for all of my messed up stuff.  So as I continue to read this book to Everson at bedtime, my hope and prayer is that we both embrace the beautiful promise that God loves each of us with a never stopping, never giving up, unbreaking, always and forever love.

Jesus rescued me, so I am worthy and I am loved.  Jesus rescued you, so you are worthy. And you are so very loved.

Romans 8:37-39 “No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.  And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love.  Neither death, nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow-not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love.  No power in the sky above or in the earth below-indeed nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (New Living Translation)

Our story goes something like this…

Nick and I met during our freshman year at Wheaton College.  The one in Illinois, not the one in Massachusetts.   I was playing powder puff football during Homecoming weekend and Nick, along with other guys on the football team, were our “coaches.”  I thought he was a nice guy, but there was no spark or any consideration of dating him (on my end).  Two of Nick’s friends, however, told him that he should date me shortly after we all had met.  Well, those guys were on to something because 2 years later we began dating.  It started when we were moving into our apartments before classes started our junior year.  Our paths crossed a few times and before we knew it we were on our first date.  We were engaged 9 months later and married 9 months after that.

The night Nick popped the question.

Senior Year Powder Puff – We’d come along way  since powder puff freshman year…

Me and #99, my defensive powerhouse man! I carried a sign all season that said “99 is mine and he’s fine!”

After a whirlwind summer in May 2010 – graduation, marriage, honeymoon, and moving – we found ourselves living in Littleton, Colorado.  Nick was working at chick-fil-a and I was babysitting for two different families.  Our work schedules were kind of opposite and we hardly knew anyone in the state, but that really didn’t phase us.  We had so much fun that first summer in Colorado.  We were house sitting for a family with a 5 bedroom house and a miniature Schnauzer named Sam.  We had lots of visitors throughout the summer, which we had so much fun hosting in “our” big house.  We spent some time camping in the mountains, checking out local restaurants, getting connected to a new church community, and exploring downtown Denver.  Nick was going to Denver Seminary that fall for a Master’s in Divinity, so I needed to find a full-time job.  I spent a lot of time applying to jobs and networking and by God’s grace and the help of a former Wheaton alum, I landed my second job interview.  I was hired on as the “Homeownership Coordinator” at Denver Housing Authority (DHA).  It was really a miracle that I got the job because a.) I didn’t even know what position I was being interviewed for until about 5 minutes before the interview b.) I have never owned a home and knew nothing about real estate and mortgages and c.) I had no government experience.  Nonetheless, I got the job!  We were relieved to finally have some financial security and stability and I was eager to get some experience working in the “real world.”

Rachel, my best friend and college roommate, visited us twice during our 1st few months in Colorado. She’s the best!

Camping in Winter Park with Nick’s brother Luke. My brother Ken stopped by and cooked us the most fabulous meal ever made over a fire!

When we got married we had no furniture to our name, unless an old TV Nick owned counts?  So that summer we went to work finding the furniture essentials.  We ended up having great luck at some antique stores and Goodwill where we found our retro kitchen table and chairs, a night stand (we still need a second one), an old chest, an “old man” chair, and a shelving unit. We attempted to repaint the night stand and chest, but we were so clueless.  We didn’t even know you needed to strip the original color; we just painted right over the bottom layer.  If you don’t look too closely, the night stand and chest look okay, so just don’t look too close.  Someday…I’ll attempt a second go at it.  After our house sitting gig ended in August 2010, we found a charming (aka tiny) one bedroom apartment in a great neighborhood in Denver.  We lived on the same street as a great coffee shop, a bar and grill, and an Italian restaurant.  It was the perfect neighborhood.  At the time, we only had one car.  Nick often drove me to and from work, but when he couldn’t, I could just take the city bus.  The bus stop was only two blocks away and didn’t require any transfers.  Nick began seminary around that time, which involved a grueling Greek class ever Monday morning from 8-11 am.  He worked hard and excelled in his classes and spent his free time helping out at our church’s youth group, playing basketball with some guy’s in the neighborhood, making us dinners, and working as a part-time handyman.  That September, I threw Nick a big 23rd birthday bash on the rooftop patio of our apartment building.  By then, we somehow knew enough people (mostly from church and other Wheaton alum we discovered lived nearby) to have a big party that involved lots of food, keg beer, live music, and lots of pretty decorations (of course)!  Unfortunately, I do not have  any pictures from that party, but it was definitely a huge highlight of that year for both Nick and I.

Our very first bedroom on 1 S. Pennsylvania Street

Sometime in late fall, we started to REALLY want a dog.  Our lease would not allow for a dog, but thankfully we had only opted for a 6 month lease.  By the time our lease ended (January 2011), we had found another great apartment (a tiny bit bigger this time) only a few blocks away.  This apartment was only a block off of South Broadway – a wonderful street lined with amazing restaurants, bars, and boutiques.  (I’ll do another post sometime with my reviews on our favorite places around there.  If you live in the Denver area, spend some time there.  Just do it.)  And, most importantly, we were able to adopt our incredible dog Lucy the first weekend we moved into our new, dog friendly abode.  Lucy is a rescue dog from New Mexico.  We got her at about 3 months old.  She was so shy and quiet the first few days we brought her home (probably scared out her mind), but it didn’t’ take long for her fun loving personality to come out.

Bringing Lucy home for the first time.

Sweet Lucy girl on a car ride.

Early that summer, Nick and I decided Lucy needed a brother and Nick needed to balance out the male:female ratio in our household.  Yes, we decided to be crazy dog people and adopt a 2nd dog while still living in a tiny apartment in the city.  Thankfully, we lived very close to a dog park!  Consequently, we adopted our adorable Amos  in June 2011.  Amos, also a rescue dog, was from Kansas and we adopted him at about 4 months old.  It took Lucy a little while to adjust to another dog in her domain, but now they are inseparable best friends.  Just yesterday Nick took Amos on an overnight event with the youth group and Lucy was moping around our place all day.  She was ecstatic when her brother returned.  We can’t imagine life without our two dogs, even if we are kind of crazy!

Precious Amos as a puppy.

Cuddly, sleeping pups on a car ride only a few weeks after Amos joined our family.

Later that summer Nick and I started considering making some major changes in our lives.  We had such a desire to live close to family (my family being in Michigan and his family being in the Chicago area), so we started thinking about moving back to the Midwest.  Nick also realized that he felt God calling him into full-time ministry instead of continuing on as a full-time student.  He was determined to finish his M.Div degree, but felt God leading him on a new path.  By that time, I was really unhappy at my job at DHA.  I was thankful for the opportunities I had to grow professionally while there and I loved getting to know some of the housing residents on a personal level.  However, I believe the staff could have been managed much better and a few individuals in supervisorial positions were not even remotely pulling their own weight, leaving people like me to pick up the slack by doing the job of 2-3 people.  I was basically all for moving, so we both began applying to jobs in Michigan and Nick even applied and got accepted into a seminary in the West Michigan area.  We planned a week long trip back home that August splitting up our time 50/50 between Michigan and Illinois.  While in Michigan, Nick had an informal interview with a pastor that was very interested in him, however it was only a part-time position.  During our time in Illinois, we toured another seminary and checked out some neighborhoods surrounding Chicago as potential relocation options.  All the while, Nick was interviewing with a church in Parker (southeast Denver metro area) for a full-time Middle School Youth Pastor position.  The application process was no joke.  There were so many steps along the way and Nick almost didn’t finish the application process since we so desired to move back to the Midwest.  However, we decided it would be best if he finished the application process…just in case.

Theobald Family photo – August 2011

Well, after our Tour de Midwest, we ruled out the Chicago area (too expensive, too much traffic, bitter, icy, slushy winters).  We were still open to Michigan because of the low cost of living, better winters (more fluffy snow, thanks to the “lake effect”), and we would be very close to my family but still only a few hours from Nick’s family.  Shortly after we got back, Nick was notified that he was a final candidate for the position in Parker.  Through much prayer and consideration, we shifted gears and decided to stay in Colorado.  Nick landed the job, registered for seminary part-time, and began on September 1, 2011.  It also didn’t hurt that one of my best friends, Lonni, decided to move to Colorado that September.  Lonni and I have been friends since 1st grade, so being able to live near her again was a dream come true!

Lonni and I shopping on South Broadway!

After working at the church for just a few weeks, we realized it was time to move out of our great Denver neighborhood and head southeast to be closer to Parker.  We broke our lease a few months early and found a great condo with 2 bedrooms and a washer & dryer (woo hoo! no more coin-fed machines and laundromats!) for only a little more money than our tiny place in the city.  We even have two balconies, which our dogs love hanging out in and staring/barking/whimpering at squirrels, birds, and rabbits below.  {Side note:  If anyone is counting…we have had 4 different addresses since moving to Colorado two years ago.  Good thing my man is strong and such a good mover!}

Just before moving to our condo, at Nick’s urging, I put in my two weeks notice at DHA.  He told me that since I had been the “breadwinner” for the last year and half that I should take a little break, rest, and be refreshed before diving into another job.  I didn’t know what kind of job I should be looking for, but I took Nick up on his unbelievably sweet offer and had a “summer vacation” that fall 2011.  I was able to travel a lot, flying to Indianapolis to meet my week old nephew Liam and visiting my best friend Rachel in D.C.  I also was able to spend two weeks back home during Christmas!  I was able to be a “kid” in my parent’s home again, spend time with childhood friends, and get extra time with relatives.  It was such a blessing.  But, by December I was definitely ready to get back into work even though I still didn’t know what was next.  I came across the idea of being a school counselor while watching Friday Night Lights with my brother and sister-in-law in Indianapolis (on the visit to meet my sweet nephew).  It’s hilarious now to look back and see that God used a trivial, high school football TV show to direct my career path.  I started to casually research what a career in School Counseling might look like, but in the meantime took a part-time nanny position with a family in Wash Park.

Holding Liam at 1 week old.

Uncle Nick holding Liam at Christmas 2011.

Fast forward: 6 month old Liam and me!
(Can you tell I love being an Aunt?!)

2012 has been an interesting year so far.  Nick LOVES being a youth pastor and it is such a joy to see him using God’s gifts to impact the lives of middle school students.  He has grown so much through this position already!  I love hearing him speak on Wednesday nights at youth group and I love seeing him interact with the kids.  He cares about his students so deeply and could not imagine a better job on the planet.  I am still nannying for that family in Wash Park, but will close that chapter in early August.  This winter I applied to Denver Seminary to get a Master’s in School Counseling.  I received my acceptance letter on St. Patrick’s Day when my mom was visiting us!  I loved being able to get a “congratulations” hug from my mom instead of just telling her over the phone.  I have begun two online classes this summer, but will take a full course load starting this fall.  I hope to work one day a week babysitting while in grad school to bring in some extra moula.

Early morning leader meeting at winter camp!

Nick surprised the kids by jumping on stage & rapping at a youth event. They went crazy!

Besides work and school, Nick and I are working hard to save money to buy our first HOME!  We are excited to start a family, but have decided to work on owning a home before taking the plunge into parenting.  We have been able to create some great relationships here in Colorado and are so blessed to have a loving, embracing church family.  Life is really good.  Crazy at times and not without challenges, but after 2 years of marriage we both agree we cannot imagine life without each other.  He is my best friend and the love of my life and I cannot wait to see what’s next!

Recent photo: 2nd anniversary date during a family vacation in Florida!

The Most Perfect Day – May 16, 2010

Our wedding day was absolutely perfect; it really was.  I would not change one detail of the entire day, except I would have eaten an entire piece of my wedding cake.

Nick and I got married at the beautiful, historic Dimnent Memorial Chapel in Holland, Michigan.  Our officiant was Dr. Root, a much beloved professor from Wheaton College.

We exchanged beautiful wedding rings 

And my best friend Lonni and Nick’s brother and best friend Luke performed this song:

I will not take my love away
When praises cease and seasons change
while the whole world turns the other way
I will not take my love away
I will not leave you all alone
When striving leads you far from home
And there’s no yield for what you’ve sown
I will not leave you all aone
I will give you what you need

In plenty or in poverty
Forever, always, look to me
And I will give you what you need

Then, some of our dearest family and friends gave toasts to us and we danced the night away.